I'm Straight Edge...and in College
Hi everyone! Today I have more of a personal post that was inspired by my service learning class this semester. The class I am taking is Alcohol, Addiction, and Culture, and as a part of the class, we go to high schools and speak to students about our college/personal stories to give them advice before they head off to college. It has been so much fun getting to meet the students and getting to share my story, so I thought, why not share it on the blog? So here I am today, sharing my college story for all of you!
I am straight edge. For those of you who do not know what straight edge is, it means that I do not drink or drugs. In fact, I am probably one of very few college seniors you will ever encounter that has never been to a college party. Now, of course, with this life choice, I was worried about how people would perceive me coming into college –if people would accept me or if I would be able to make friends – and truth be told, it has not always been easy. When I look back over my last four years, there is so much that I wish I had known coming in, because if I did, perhaps it wouldn't have taken me until senior year to finally feel at home.
Now, at this point, you are probably wondering why I chose this lifestyle, so here it is: I grew up with a heroin addict for an oldest brother. Growing up, my brother Jamie and I were super close. Together we watched wresting, beat up our middle brother (which I'm sure he loved) and listened to Eminem (at way too young of an age), but everything was fine, until Jamie got older.
When I was in 8th grade I found out he was a heroin addict and everything seemed to fall apart. The brother I used to spend so much time with was now angry and at times violent. He was a whole new person, and nothing like the brother I grew up with.
For 8 years, life was a swirl of physical and verbal fights, rehab stays, and jail time. It was not always easy to deal with, but it taught me a great deal of life lessons, and I think I grew as a person from my experiences during those years. And, it was during this period that I decided to live the sober life. I had seen the ugly truth of substance abuse, and I didn't want that for myself.
When I was going into college,, I was scared because I was afraid I wouldn’t fit in. I knew what party culture was and I knew that life wasn't for me. Fortunately, I did find friends that accepted my lifestyle. Unfortunately, while they accepted it, they didn’t share it.
While I had these new friends, when the weekend came around and that party hour hit, I found myself sitting in my dorm room alone as my friends were all out. They would be snapping me pictures while I would be reading a textbook. Doing homework by yourself a Saturday evening is lonely, and this loneliness persisted for 3.5 years as I was still clinging to this group of friends. I was afraid if I left that friend group that I would not be able to find a new group, so I decided to just suck it up to avoid that vulnerability.
However, everything changed after my brother overdosed and died three weeks before my junior year began. I was there the morning we found Jamie unconscious with his face covered in foam and vomit. He was already gone. It is an image I wake up to every morning.
Having to go back to school less than a month later was rough, but my friends didn’t make it any easier. The first weekend back I found myself in an empty townhouse as they all had gone out to party. When they came back, the bathrooms become crowded with vomiters. As if that wasn't a triggering experience for me.
It was then that I decided to find new friends and move out.
When I was a sophomore, I lived with a girl , Pamela, who I had known since day one of college. We were in orchestra together (she plays violin and I play the viola), and we were the fifth members of our friend groups, and since sophomore housing was doubles, we ended up together simply by chance. I knew she didn't party, and I knew her friend group weren't huge party-goers either. I would see her with her friends and I would be so jealous because they were always having fun without drinking. I wanted to hang-out with them more, but I also didn't want to come off as that clingy 6th wheel.
I remained close with Pamela, and I decided to reach out to her after my housemates drove me to realize my mistake in living with them. By second semester of my junior year, I was moved in with non-party going friends, and it was the best decision I ever made. I now live with three pretty amazing gals who I am proud to call my close friends.
I am no longer left alone, and I while am not only accepted for my lifestyle choice, my choice is respected. We bake cookies, watch movies, play games, go to late night events, and enjoy staying in on our weekends and evenings. I am finally enjoying college, and it saddens me to think how little time I have left here. It is sad to think how lonely I was for far too long.
So I guess this is all to say that I wish I had known that if you don’t drink, you shouldn’t assume that there aren’t others out there that share your lifestyle. Don’t sacrifice your happiness by surrounding yourself by people who don’t respect your lifestyle because there is a difference between acceptance and respect. I regret my first 3.5 years at Fairfield, and it saddens me to think that I wasn’t happy until I had so little time remaining. You can go to college, not drink and still have fun. I am proof of that, but you just need to allow yourself to be vulnerable to find the right people to surround yourself with.
That is my story, and this is my sober life. Thank you for reading.
Stina :)